x A VERY bad month x

IM STILL HERE!!!!
Im going to try and keep this post as short as possible as im still tired but need to tell you all whats been happening as it has been over a month now!

I went down to have my PEG taken out and swapped over on tuesday 27th april. This was supposed to be a quick 30 minute procedure - however - i woke up in intensive care the next day. Turns out, they tried to remove my peg button but they couldnt find it as my stomach had grown over it so much it was embedded in my abdomenal wall. I had to be rushed to theatre where they cut open my belly to get it out, had to close up the peg hole and make a new hole a couple of inches higher. I couldnt have a button put in straight away as it is a different type they are using so i have a long tube hanging out instead.

Now to wake up in intensive care the next day on a ventilator scared the shit out of me and i had to spell out on a word board what i wanted to say as i couldnt talk because of the tubes down my throat. I got them to take the tubes out within an hour and promptly broke down in panic. I also had 2 big lines on my hands and a line going into my artery on my wrist...oh and a catheter as i couldnt get up to go to the toilet. I managed to get back up to my usual ward the next day and was home after about a week i think.

Since the operation, i have had a sicky feeling. Its nausea but with my heart beating really fast all the time...sounds silly and is hard to explain but it meant that i couldnt really eat meals or have lots of feed as i felt sick. It seemed to get worse and worse until i started actually being sick about once a day and the sicky feeling got worse and lasted allday. I went in through A+E and spent another week in hospital but no one could understand what was making me sick...i had a bit of an infection in my PEG site as it was healing so had oral antibiotics and they just kept throwing loads of antisickness tablets at me. This got me more frustrated as I wanted to sort out why i was feeling sick and not just hide the feling. I went home but after a few days I was really bad. I wasnt hardly eating at all, had the sick feeling all the time and was being sick more regularly. The final straw for me and mum was on a thursday night i was sick 3 times and the last time was brown sludge. My PEG site had also soaked my top and had brown stains.

I was rushed in on friday morning by Lance and mum and dad came with me. I went in my pjs and was wheelchaired up to the ward as i was too weak and tired to walk. Lance had arranged for me to see the top man in the gastro team (stomach doctors lol) at 2pm so I had my port needle put in, bloods taken and then waited. The gastro man said they would need to have a look into my stomach with a camera down my throat (which i had asked for in the week that i was in hospital) but because it was an emergency, i could only be sedated. Previously i had always been under a general anasthetic when having anything done so I panicked. As soon as the sedation wore off i felt fine - the sick feeling had gone and i havent had antisickness tablets since. Turns out my tube had gone through my stomach and into my bowel so they had to deflate the balloon inside and pull it out of my bowel and into the correct position in my stomach so now my tube is even longer!! I went home the next day.

This month has pushed me to my limits emotionally and I am going to be honest, I have never wanted to die more than several times during the last month. I hope its all behind me now and will try to remain positive but it has not been easy and so i hope you will all forgive me if i havent been around much but that was why.

x Lots of love x